People who look like other people.....

Is it any wonder all of these people has not been seen in the same place at the same time, but they will be forgiven for living these double lives as long as chose one....here are my recommendations;

Steve Carell and Brad hoggSteve should stick to making shithouse movies and crappy american office rippoff shows of funny english office shows, because his offspin is just plain aweful.

Shannon Noll and Eric Grothe Jnr.

Eric stick to being the biggest player in the nrl to have the least amount of physical contact cause you music is crap....big black shiny car, should be re-recorded as big brown pile of shit.

Cameron Diaz and Crazy Frog

Crazy Frog does have more talent but carmeron does have boobs, far be it from me to knock back a pair of boobs, even if they are runny eggs nailed to a piece of board.

Anonymous Passionate cricketer and the sherminator

the jury is still out on this one....

Princess Fiona and Kim Clijsters

how this abomination of a "woman" was ever called aussie kim is beyond me, it just goes to show Aussies will do anything when it comes to having a winner in our mitst, ironically when she stopped winning she was no longer aussie kim, it had nothing to do with breaking up with l'l'l'leyton who may or may not have knocked up bec hewitt and had to breakup..

and the piece de resistance.......

Imran Kahn and Darren Senter

no readers i haven't made a mistake and posted the same picture twice, this really is a man living 2 lives, 1. cricketing Deity 2. standing in the shade doing interviews for channel nine. at other times he disguises himself well but on this day, your cover was blown imran....

to be continued

The Most Pressing Issue Of All

Well readers its that time,
the most pressing issue of all (well...this week anyway) its an old favorite of mine, and it continues to drive me mad. For those who know me they'll be aware of this point of view however for those who don't perhaps it hasn't stuck a chord yet as u are more tolerant than the Dali Lama or Nelson Mandela.

The state of music is beyond a joke, what passes for music in this day and age is comical, and program/forums that deliver us this 'music' are rubbish. And the methods employed to do this are a joke axle "peace out" whitehead, so fresh wannabe's and the 2 chumps on ch 7.

Take for example video hits the No. 1 free-to-air program playing us the new so-called popular music, the host who by his own admittance knows nothing about popular music but takes every opportunity he can to tell everyone hes classically trained in jazz and is so totally cool......yeah right, if he didn't pause after every word and could competently string together a sentence it wouldn't bother me so much. but god damm he is annoying, typing about the others would only waste precious seconds where I could be organising my sock draw and cleaning the fridge magnets.

The worst proprietor of this rubbish is without a doubt Rhianna with her S.O.S/tainted love ripoff, there is no attempt whatsoever to distinguish her 'new' song and the old one with the reuse of at least half of the lyrics, you are killing me u Jamaican wanna be whore get your own lyrics!! oh wait don't do that...every person on the planet who was subjected to your pon de replay song is still confused.....I looked up Pon de in the dictionary and when my pursuit for the definition failed i turned to google....you can't stump google.....right.....right...and still no sign of pon de...... pon de! what does that even mean!!!! HOW DO YOU PON DE REPLAY???? perhaps if she changed the lyrics of the song to;
"take the U and the T out of the word put............"
"and change T.H. to a D in the word THE...."
"then suck lots of cock and put it all together...and Mr dj will indeed P(ut)ON D(th)e replay"
and even if that is correct, if a song was crap in the first place Rhianna, and the dance floor was clear......playing it again with the volume turned up would surely send people out the door you idiot!!!
and just when you though wearing high heals was the go in a night club oh no no no no....how wrong you are. Especially when you have to "let the base in the speakers run through your sneakers" wow....im blown away, Rhianna the poet laureate...just die please take you millions and go away.

I though that was the case for everyone's favorite lation whore preach that "lucky her breats are small and humble so I won't confuse them with mountains......" hello Shakira, ill never get close enough to confuse your small and humble breasts due to your annoying yodel noise pollution that is coming from ....Presumably your mouth. Don't yodel yodel yodalay he-hooooo.......mole just die

and just when you though the my sharona fad was on the was out from its resurgence due to reality bites...Its back again with the rouge traders...or should I call you rouge traders in being carried by Natalie basingthwaite and just like Newcastle suffer without Johns, mark my words, the day she is to big for you chumps it will be rogue who.... the blatant rippoff of my sharona is a disgrace if it was a uni assignment to produce a song and the music industry was in deed a uni....you would be out on your arse for full blown plagiarism, its almost like leaving the hyperlink in there to another article the copy and paste is that bad.

And finally Idol I hate everything about this tripe from the tool box ----andrew g-a-woganopolous-hide-my-wog-name-behind-an-initial-anopolous smokes the cock. and not in usual joint form...but rather the cock shisha-pipe or hookah with multiple avenues to smoke more cock with each drawback---- but the tool with alien eyes aswell, mate stick em back in your head casey donovan is not hot....

the fact is it wouldn't be so painful if if this crap popped up and disappeared as quick as it showed up...but they continue to jam it down our thoughts daily arhhhhhh.

Where do I enroll for so-called-'experts' university

As a result of the morning newstainment (And I use prefix 'news' loosely) war going on between 7 and 9 targeting the - morning mums getting the kids off to school - market and dickhead blokes who aren't already at work looking to perve on jessica rowe or mel(.....I don't know her full name they only refer to each other in nicknames-but ill get to that shortly) it has been brought to light or at least to my attention that there is an excess of so-called-experts out there.

in morning newstainment lingo they are referred to by many terms like social commentator or entertainment correspondent and not 5 minutes goes by where we don't have at least 3 of them having a 'forum' on some issue which quickly detracts in to a government bash session as there welfare payments aren't large enough, which got me thinking maybe these so-called-experts are exclusive to no specific industry.....In simple terms...They are media whores who scap for an appearance fee on the morning newstainment programs.

People like Lisa Wilkinson, who the hell is this whore? oh that's right she's a social commentator....I talk about stuff...Does that qualify me a social commentator??????? This bitch fills in for balding and the pen-twirler on the weekends with the most prolific user of ecstasy in Australia....andrew o'keefe (of deal or no deal fame) who is always way to happy. These jerks push there opinion down peoples throats under the guise that they are so-called-experts.

With Lisa Wilkinson apparently she is an editor of magazine or was who cares at the end of the day kerry stokes...or formerly kerry packer dictated what went on the cover not some social commentating whore. which makes sense to as they are the only experts out there with any nouse to make a dollar...So as u can see its more of an opinion than fact and its newstainment rather than news or entertainment exclusively. We can't even call it information that would imply that it was useful in some sort of way or at least credible.

which brings me to the point I touched on earlier nick-name calling, some producer some where has decided that people can associate better with the people keeping them informed if they think of them as a friend........ What a load of bulls#$t.

david koche: "hey mel, nat and berets im a light-heated news dude"

Mel (whoever): "hey kochie nat and berets lets laugh for the next 10 minutes for no reason at all....ahahahahaha...and so on for the next 9 minutes and 50 secs (so fake you would be forgiven thinking milli vanilli had resurrected their career)

seconds later....they make an announcement about the budget or something serious about money;

mel: " hey kochie tell us about the budget"
kochie: "look mel my name is Mr koche or david in the right context, after all I am the former ch 7 money expert"

and there's that word again.....

so if there are so many experts out there where is the: So-Called-'experts' University???

I've done some investigating and found out that the University of so-called-experts is quite large...the largest in the world in fact, and whilst it doesn't have the pedigree of Harvard or Yale it does have more campus' then all the universities combined.

Surely if there are so many you would have come across one by now? Well you have; they just don't advertise, because if they did then all the jobs on the newstainment programs would be taken by an endless procession of graduates. And where are they coming from you ask? they are located in every toilet cubicle around the world with the 'degree-dispenser' located on the wall or behind the door.

armed with these degrees in being a so-called-expert they come on the newstainment programs peddle their dribble passing it off as fact, leading the mums getting the kids off to school uneducated and angry at the world...or at the very least demanding questions off their husbands when they get home from a long hard days work.

get out of the way...its the bandwagon

well,

its that time again the bandwagon has rolled into town....

last time it picked up the dengenerates who get their rocks off on watching grown men playing netball with their feet, sound familiar; "wing attack to centre to full forward" ....YAWN...."Goal!!!!" no wait he missed, not to worry we'll give him a point anyway, after all men were not meant to play netball with their feet.

The game was born due to Victorian cricket players having nothing to do in the winter and they thought it was a soft way to stay active without getting hurt before the cricket season starts again.

a bit harsh you say.......well I don't see any league players removing themselves from the field because they are too tired; like the North Melbourne Kangaroo full forward.....TOO TIRED!!!.....You sat in front of goal all day setting up your camp fire sitting around singing Kum-Bai-Ya staying fresh while potting 6 goals cause everyone else in that area was too tired to stop you, as they were busy running around.

now where was I? oh, that's right the bandwagon, well Syndey siders hang your heads in shame as the band wagon moved through town it resembled an Indian train packed to capacity with crazy venkats not knowing where they are heading but jumping on as so many uneducated others were....possibly to put some good blokes bag in a tree, I just don't know

but I digress.

now they pack it out most weeks at the S.C.G. until the day they lose and the bandwagons rolls out of town will be what they all deserve claiming that after sydney has put forward the money and support to win a premiership and to then call themselves south melbourne..... Oh how I look forward to that day.

Excceding this travestry however in a 4 year anomaly the world cup of dive-ball has arrived.
NB: I like Dive-ball and follow it regularly, well... as best as I can, not as much as friends of mine but I try.

These bandwagon mounters are sucking my will to live now, when it starts they will deadset be killing me. most likely due to scenarios like this where armchair idiots vioce their "opinion"

e.g. the rebecca wilsons of the world...."ive always loved soccer...especially since they play in a 4-4-4 formation..."
ME: ahhumm, rebecca you whore, don't you mean 4-4-2
RW:" no 4-4-4"
ME: ok then tell me what it refers too?
RW:"well, I don't know I read it in someone elses article then reproduced it poorly in my own column and passed it off as my own work."

der right that explains alot. F#%K off and die, stop stealing my oxygen, or better yet go and spruik dive ball in the middle east, at least they'll put you in your place as this country has seemingly neglected to or has deemed what you say worthy of printspace/air time.

the truth is now every arm chair expect will come out of the woodwork - after whinging about his north Sydney bears or illawarra steelers disappearing - after each game and crapping on about how great it was that ronaldmcdonolado scored a great point (sic) only to be corrected by some other dickhead bandwagon jumper, proclaiming his name is infact rondolo and its a goal not a point.

well your half right you fool but what you forgot to mention is that you only saw the game cause the tool attached to your forehead managed to swing out of the way of your eyeline long enough for you to attempt to read his name which you couldn't comprehend anyway. God forbid you knew what club he played for or position for that matter better yet what country hes playing for. and no the blue team is not an exceptable answer

do us all a favor and buy a swans ticket, rugby league doesn't need your patronage....and don't come crawling back either when the world cup is over, we don't want you, you made your dive-ball bed now you can lye in it.

with the bandwagon fueled excitment of dive-ball at fever pitch I wouldn't be suprised if you wouldn't keep the hysteria going by purchasing a Local LEague season ticket....im sure you won't however stoop to getting a Sydney fc ticket only biggest of bandwagon jumpers would be stupid enough to follow the craze through that far, and for those that do ill be waiting at the gate laughing at you when u say "that was nothing like the world cup....What have I done, i thought this sport was the sleeping giant in Australia?" yeah while the bandwagon is in town...

The elderly serve a purpose...

Nothing could be further from the truth,

and let me quantify that statement by saying that the elderly is anyone over 60 and anyone who displays the same characteristics that an elderly person would.
that is a broad sweeping statement so ill articulate itby saying anyone who opens a conversation about the weather, whinging about the price of a $2.60 pensioner train ticket, Bert Newton (who is 68 some actually still are sane...He is not), and the whinging dickheads who I work with.

these men inparticular will come up with some insightful meaningful stuff....Then they'll say things like if a football team is losing "its not the coach out there missing the tackles" mate your an idiot, the 'coach' provides the game plan in 2006 not the strippers after the game like in 1965-75 when u were in your heyday now shutup and take your medicine.

back to old people in general how many times have you been driving down the street and had some oldtimer wearing a hat do something stupid in his vehicle, or some old lady just sitting there not moving arhhhhhh. The solution to this is simple and was tabled at a young Liberals meeting in Queensland and along with the nutrient extraction system originally published by Ross Perot, and that is G_PLATES. Simple and effective anyone over the age of 60 should have to use G-plates, so if your driving along with your youthful reaction times and vision that actually works then you spot a g-plate you will have plenty of time to take evasive action, as you can rest assured they will do something stupid. how Australian Pensioners Insurance can insure these ding-bats i do not know.

and what about the conviction opener....."hows about that sunshine" or "gee its meant to rain today" mate ill watch the news if I want a weather repot now beat it. That sad truth is this is the only thing that hasn't changed in the last 100 years is the only thing they have anything to talk about. Or they might stray into a story about how they had to wear an onion on their belt....Which was the style at the time. I am far to busy to listen to some oldtimer tell me something which is bleedingly obvious there are no clouds in the sky and its a nice day. IT WAS A NICE DAY until you ruined it by wasting my time telling me about something I can look to the sky and see myself.

but the real reason and the one that annoys me the most which is the the reason for this post, is old dickheads an footy. Nobody cares what you have to say... these are now professional athletes not knock about mates raping chicks and it being acceptable. Hence the reason the Tommy Raudonikas's of the world are driving cabs and the new age Footy player from Brisbane owns 4 macca's or the one from Sydney appears on dancing with the stars pursuing a media career (not that I condone that). Like touting players a tough, like forever youngy ( as tatooed on his back), IF he were tough he would bring a player down on first contact and not get bumped, if he were 'tough' he would not rely on his old man carrying him through the selection process. And hes just one example there are many more.

if old people spent as much effort on learning the differences in football or life in general as they do insisting on pronunciations like can-berra or I-talians the world would be a more tolerable place im not naive I know ill be old too one day but I'll
A) hang out with other old people and not waste young peoples time or
B) go ski diving without a parachute

I'm Already Watching.......

Does this sound familiar.......You've either had countless cross-promotional adverts leading up to or you've taken the TV guide and sought out the air-time for a specific event, and your well aware;
what it is
when it's happening
who's in it
and what they'll be doing

but no no no thats not good enough for network exec's they need a senior commentator to introduce the program tell you what it is, when its happening, who's in it and what they'll be doing because Joe Punchclock can't be trusted to use his own initiative to watch a program.

why are we treated like such idiots and patronised with such contempt as we are to dumb to know a certain program is without some Senior Commentator to introduce it??? And since when have these so-called experts even gained the experience to know what they're talking about.

Take for example the finest sporting event the world has ever seen that brings strength, physical prowess, tactical savvy, cunning and most of all courage which will come to our screens this may/June, no its not dive-ball its the pinnacle of man hood (and sport) State Of Origin. Now this is a eagerly anticipated fixture so much so that id say the vast majority of people watching it would not only know when its on and where it is....But *shock horror* they would know the teams too and I can say with some certainty they would know what there doing during the game aswell.

yet before we are given the privilege or watching this fixture channel 9 send in there senior sports anchor Ken "the male model from mudgee" Sutcliffe to say:
KS:"welcome to the rugby league"
Audience: "thanks ken for I had no idea....I was flicking channels"

KS:"what a game we have for you tonight here at telstra stadium"
Aud: wow really telstra...Never seen that place before said whilst frantically trying to remember where the Olympics was held

KS:"the big question is can Mal's Maroons match it with Murray's Men....from NSW" trying to outline the fact that as a senior sports anchor one must use assonance or not talk at all.
#$%*OFF and #$%*OFF now stop stealing the first 15 minutes of my show just go away and die....or better yet go and play a game of league do you even know anything about the game????

and after we've been privileged enough to be graced by his presence and deemed "informed enough to watch the show" he passes on to the rabs in the senior commentary position who is mumbling under his breath how he wishes he was at the swimming, his self confessed "true calling in life" who doesn't care anymore about the game because enthusiasm his reserved for Hackett and Thorpe and penetrating the Melbourne market.

meanwhile at this aforementioned pinnacle of sporting events the ABC commentary team who have a real passion for the game and respect their audience deliver an entertainment package that all people can enjoy. Even Roy & HG have enthusiasm and are funny, which suppliments a lack of technical knowledge about the game.

It may suprise you that Senior Commentator phenomenon isn't confined to rugby league what about the ridiculous rotation policy 9 had for the Commonwealth games it was harder figuring out who it was hosting than it was to figure out which commonwealth country you were watching getting smashed by Australia.

I suggest only tuning into a show 10 to 15 mins after the start time and pray that Bruce Macaveny isn't going to get a tear in his eye based on lobster racing or some other obscure event which his knowledge level is dictated by the press release he read 5 mins earlier. These impostors who are making TV more "friendly " for ma and pa type people to watch must be stopped. Not only for there over possessive screen time but the way they draw out the end of each sentence like crunching taaaaaaaackkkkkkle.

be an ex-player/athlete with some EXPERIENCE or get off my TV

Big Oxygen Thieves

Lets start with big brother.....

Now going into its 6th season, it would be mildly tolerable IF it weren't hosted by the inept, unfunny, untalented, undeserved of a D-grade profile bitch to ever grace the Australian Television Screen. Meanwhile the real talent on the show; Mike Goldman is relegated to competing with Friday Night Football or the haven for hardcore BB fans and pill poppers alike; bb uplate as they are the only ones who would still be watching at that time.

The fact is this show has been run and abandoned in so many countries yet network executives in ours have deemed it enough of a cash cow to bring it back to invade the once outstanding 7 o'clock time slot held by Sienfeld re-runs. So you can understand my pain now that we are one of the only countries left, voyeuristic enough to give give this oxygen thief collective the time of day in the ratings enough to warrant its existence. And in doing so subject the rest of the public (people like me) to this rubbish.

Ok now that's off my chest I will say this, I'll accept its on the air as people (I use the term loosely) do watch it but I will not accept the fact that channel 10 refuses to give this airtime hog a decent host.

This is not confined to big brother take the biggest loser for example, this show had the capacity to draw a large following and what do channel 10 do? They wheel out some no-name ex fat bitch so deemed by herself....Ajay Rochester. Who's that you say????? Great question I don't know either, but I do know this, she will fall off the face of the earth as quickly as she appeared tucking into leftover board meeting donuts on the way out.

Why wouldn't channel 10 take an existing personality from another show who's tried and true and perhaps needed some profile lifting, and let them host the show as they did in The world's Brainiest...... whatever with Sandra Sully?

Instead we're stuck with Gretel Killeen, *sigh* if she could screw her face up any more she would look remarkably like a cats Ass, she can't read an autocue she can't control a live audience she can't say anything original or funny and her physical appearance offends me.... I'm sure she dresses herself in those rags too.

Its almost like the network wants to drive people away because they're sick of running it, which makes no sense as channel 10 run well behind 7 and 9 in the ratings however it would make sense to cross promote their "talent" instead of handing the reigns over to these no-name hacks.
Hosting is crucial to a shows enjoyability which brings me to my next point Network Senior Commentators....

All,
I extend my warmest welcome to all who read my Blogs on The Pressing Issues, and My friends lets be honest there are a many many Issues that are pressing with the world in its current climate. I can't, however cover them all but I will endeavor to get to the most important ones which happen to be close to my heart. They will be diverse as I keep abreast of most issues but there is a common theme through all which you will see in the coming weeks/months.

anyway on to the issues.....